Ramble On
by Josh Lee, 2003
John: Give me a scene for a play.
Walt: Alright. Ronald McDonald and Dave Thomas debating who has the better hamburgers.
John: I said a scene, like a place or something. (shaking his head at the wrong comment) Dave Thomas is dead. He died like last year. Or was it two years ago? Anyways that's just stupid because I hate clowns.
Walt: Ok. 1970's porno flick with John Holmes and his ho.
John: I can't write about that. I have to turn it into class for extra credit.
Walt: It's only extra credit?!? What a fag. Fine. What about He-Man and GI Joe debating who's the better action figure.
John: I said scene you homo. Doorknob (It's a game that when somebody farts they have to call "Safety" before someone calls doorknob or else they get to punch the person till he touches a doorknob). Dude, you're too easy. You know you're going to fart, yet you're always too slow to call it.
Walt: I know. All my concentration goes into the fart.
John: Anyways, Scene?
Walt: What did I say again?
John: Something about He-Man and GI Joe. But I need a scene not the characters yet.
Walt: Yeah, they have this debate in a toy store.
John: NOOOO! It's not going to be like that movie with Phil Hartman. He's dead too. What is that movie? Damn it.
Walt: Ummm...Small Soldiers.
John: Yeah! I hated that movie. It's a good thing I saw that on tv rather than waste money on that crap. Although I wasted an hour and a half watching it.
Walt: HAHAHA.
John: Did you watch "Titanic"?
Walt: Yup.
John: How many times?
Walt: Twice.
John: Ha. You wasted 7 hours of your life watching that shit. I on the other hand saw half of it.
Walt: Okay, sky diving. And the guy is talking about his life. His CHOICES! Yeah, that would be good.
John: Yeah I had this similar idea with two guys talking about random shit. They can be like talking in the plane and like they jump, but I don't say they're in a plane or sky diving and then one the guys chute doesn't open and the other guy is like, "Oh well."
Walt: Ehh. When is it due?
John: Tomorrow. 5 pages of just dialogue. You think the teacher will mind swearing. Ehh, fuck it.
Walt: SAFETY! HAHAHA!
John: Awww dude that's gross. What, is that like the tenth time tonight?
Walt: I don't know. I usually lose track.
John: At least it's not like Zipper's farts, his smells and lingers. Last year at this party. Oh shit that was a fucked up night. We were by this keg which was set up near this screen window and Antonio and Julia were on the other side along with a bunch of other girls. Antonio yells really loud, "AWW Zipper did you fart? That stinks." And Zipper was denying it saying that he PROMISED it wasn't his. It was funny because everybody inside was covering their face with their shirts. And Zipper was all red and saying it wasn't him. I found out later it was Eben who was standing right by him drinking his beer. Later we had to push start Shin's car because he was always too lazy to buy a new one and when he finally did, a week later he left the lights on again. We had to get it juiced up by that Jamaican Public Safety guy who remembered us from the last time and just laughed at us. Shit. So it was me Zipper pushing his car and Antonio was behind us driving home a bunch of girls just watching us. We were pushing, but it wasn't moving and Shin looked out and started laughing and said he was just joking cause he had the parking brake on. So Zipper stopped pushing and I was like half pushing and was about to stop when Zipper started to push too. Oh yeah, I also had slippers on. And when he pushed the car went a little bit forward and my back foot slipped and fell right in the dirt with everybody laughing at me. Even the girls in the car. Fuck I didn't care. I don't know, your fart just reminded me of that.
Walt: My farts can do a lot of things.
John: I know. It sounds like it speaks when you fart. Oh yeah, and after that we went to Denny's where Shin snorted some black pepper for no reason. When he sneezed it was just pepper. Then he wiped a booger on Eben, but he always does that and Eben always tells him, "Dude that's gross. Why do you do that?" He never does anything about and that's why its funny.
Walt: What about Victoria Silvstedt and Pamela Anderson debating who has bigger boobs? That would be a cool play. I'd see that.
John: What?!?! What's the deal with you and your debates. I need a fucking scene. Never mind scenes, it seems like you can't handle that. What about some ideas to write about?
Walt: Sex.
John: And what about sex?
Walt: Sex is interesting. Everybody loves sex. Everybody likes reading about sex.
John: Reading about sex? What, you read like those trashy novels or something?
Walt: No, the play.
John: What about it, it's not like you read a play. It's not like they have sub titles or something.
Walt: No, your teacher would be the only one reading it.
John: Yeah, but you said people like reading about sex and I'm trying to make it entertaining for the audience, and not for them to read.
Walt: Well the audience would still like a play about sex.
John: That's different than them reading about it and that idea sucks and is over used.
Walt: You suck. I would DEFINETLY watch a play about Victoria Silvstedt and Pamela Anderson having sex.
John: I ain't going to write a porno. I know a guy that made his own porno in high school. I had this class, Video Productions, I took it cause I knew the teacher and knew it was going to be easy. Everyday we watched surfing or skating movies in class or the after school fights they got on film. In my senior year this kid transferred from our cross-town rivals school. He made this porno and then showed it in the back room to this kid on my soccer team. He asked me if he showed me the tape, and I was like, "Aww no that's gross. Thank God he didn't."
Walt: Yeah, but this is Pam Anderson and Jenna Jameson.
John: I thought you wanted one about Pam and Victoria Silvstedt, not Jenna.
Walt: Who cares. They can use all three. The more the merrier.
John: Doorknob.
Walt: What about...
John: Safety.
Walt: ...Michael Jackson and Rupaul. Aww. Whewwww that's rotten.
John: I know, mine are silent but violent.
Walt: It's deadly. Silently but deadly.
John: Yeah but that doesn't rhyme.
Walt: It's not supposed to rhyme. Oh shit, I have to remember to pick up The Lion King on Tuesday, it comes out on DVD.
John: I think I'll just stick to my original idea with two guys talking about random shit.
Walt: That's gay.
John: You're gay. And the Lion King is gay. If you but it you're not going to put with the other movies.
Walt: What are you talking about? That movie is good. And I'm going to put it in the front of all your movies.
John: Why don't you buy Bambi while you're at it.
Walt: Cause Bambi's gay. I only liked it as a kid.
John: Same as Lion King.
Walt: Yeah, but the Lion King is a classic.
John: So is Bambi. So why don't you buy it.
Walt: I don't know.
John: The only character I liked in Bambi was the hunter. He killed Bambi's mom. That's why people hate the NRA and hunters. Disney portrayed hunters as evil. Kids grow up hating hunters cause they killed Bambi's mom.
Walt: I don't know about that.
John: The best was Zippers dad shot this all white deer and kept the skin and stuff. A week later he had show and tell for his class. And...
Walt: He still has show and tell? For what class?
John: No. This was like in elementary school. But this girl in his class was like, "I don't have anything for show and tell, but there was this deer that was all-white and it would come around and we would feed it. We named it snow flake too, but it doesn't come around anymore." Then this kid in his class raised his hand and said, "That's because Zipper's dad shot it." I just thought that was funny. And Lion King is still gay.
Walt: Screw you.
John: Speaking about gay and suitemate, is Jewish a religion or race?
Walt: Religion.
John: So how can someone be half Jewish?
Walt: I don't know, your mom's Jewish and your dad's a Christian.
John: You think I can pull off being Jewish?
Walt: What...
John: Yeah, do you think I can tell my teacher tomorrow that I'm Jewish so I can get out of a test?
Walt: John. How many Japanese-Jews do you know?